Failing Forward is the Only Way Forward
In this next blog in my series highlighting the key lessons of my book Wholeness Within, I’m sharing what I learned through uprooting my life and taking a risk to move to London in my early twenties, covered in Chapter Two, titled London.
What I didn’t know before setting out on this journey of realizing my dreams, was that it would shake me to my core and force me to confront my shadow, the darkest parts of myself I had never come into contact with. If you missed the story of how I ended up landing a job transfer to London from my role in Boston in the US, check out my post here.
Culture Shock & Cultural Identity
The first challenge I encountered upon arrival in London was culture shock. I know you might think, like I did, that another English-speaking country wouldn’t pose a threat for culture shock, but it happened, and very unexpectedly. Culture consists of much more than just the language, and I found that while I was used to a communication style with outward warmth, expression, and loudness in the US, I was met with the opposite in London. Everyone was a bit more subdued, coming off as cold to me, and a lot of social groups already tight knit and hard to break into, even as an expat.
This alone made me realize that my own cultural identity was something I had not come to terms with yet. I was born in Scotland, with my mother’s side of the family being from France, yet I grew up in the US for most of my life in a suburb north of Boston. I always felt like a misfit growing up because of this, on top of the fact that I was an introverted and shy kid. I didn’t celebrate all the typical USA holidays, or enjoy those foods, but living abroad showed me how I had integrated American culture into my being on much deeper levels than I was aware of.
With British culture, just like any culture, there were a lot of unspoken rules, as to what’s appropriate, what isn’t, and how you should interact with one another in different contexts. I found the contrast to be most noticeable in the work environment, that was very hierarchical in nature, and somehow everyone felt comfortable discussing each other’s salaries with one another! I was shocked when I was part of that discussion during one of my first days in my new role in London, as this was something I never experienced before in the US.
So not only did I feel like an outsider, like my body and soul were back home in Boston, I was also a painfully shy introvert. I had skated through life hiding this fact, by gravitating towards extrovert friends that would bring me out of my shell through their way of being, and essentially drive my social calendar. When I landed in London, I wished I had some of that natural extroversion to lean on to make new friends and connections.
I didn’t realize right away that I had the power to reach out to people in my own way, and navigate building relationships by taking risks and being vulnerable. Yet this move gave me an opportunity to build this muscle for the first time, a new skill I was able to take with me for the rest of my life, as I was no longer afraid of being the new person and was finally comfortable with that vulnerability.
Sometimes you have to leave the bubble you grew up in to redefine yourself, outside of what the people around you have known you to be. That was what London was for me. I was no longer the small town girl bumbling around unsure of herself after I left. I was more grounded, my perspectives widened, as I navigated some life altering challenges, like the day I was fired unexpectedly.
How Trauma can occur
It’s said that trauma occurs when something happens too much, too soon, and/or too fast, for the nervous system to handle. That’s exactly what happened when I moved to London and how I suffered trauma. I had a move to a new place, a new job that was different from the one I was doing back home, new social support, new culture, and it all pushed me over the edge. Especially as I didn’t have support from a therapist or mentor or coach who had done this before me.
I arrived to a new team at the company that was just being started, no standards in place in start up mode, and that caused a lot of stress too. It was a toxic environment, made even more toxic by the fact that it was out of alignment with my values and how I like to work. An open floor plan, seated onsite at the client, amongst their employees and not my own companies.
It was a complete 180 from what I was used to at home, even if I was still new to the workforce at that time. I believe that toxic situations happen when we are not living in our truth and from our heart. It can be completely subjective, and what was once healthy can quickly turn toxic when values change.
Even though I had the ‘dream’ job, the dream city, the weekends jetting off to other European cities, I was empty and traumatized inside. Looking from the outside you would never guess that I was in a state of dissociation, leaning on my crutches of alcohol and my partner back at home to make it through.
It’s Okay to Change Your Mind
Even after I was fired, which I share in the book, happened from reaching out to human resources at the company to share what was going on and what I needed to do my job effectively, I still tried to stay in London to stick it out. Not because I desired to stay there, but because I felt that I needed to prove myself.
I felt it would look fickle and weak from the outside looking in, to make a huge fuss about moving abroad and come home just months after. I left the US with the mindset that I would be living in London forever, permanently, which was also a lot of pressure to put on myself.
Nothing was really tying me there, and after job searching for 3 months with some possibilities that ultimately did not pan out, I got a clear sign from the universe that I had to leave London, and I had to do it fast. I booked a flight, took what I could fit in my suitcase, and left the next week.
For so long, years after even, I was ashamed of myself and what had happened thinking I had failed and was not as great as I thought I could be. Every anniversary of the date I moved I still get flashbacks that I only have been able to process in the last few years through my embodiment practices and working with trauma therapy.
It took me a long time to heal and realize that this move was the first huge risk I took in my life and by just doing this, it allowed me to take even bigger risks like changing careers again, moving to a new city all over again, and starting a business. Failure is the only way you can learn and evolve from this new knowledge. To stay safe and in one place, you are guaranteed to miss out on the rewards.
In summary, these are the hard-earned lessons from my experiences that I pass on to you:
Sometimes the hardest experiences will teach you what you could only learn through that way
Leave your version of your ‘bubble’ to redefine yourself
It’s okay to change your mind and let go of what’s not working
Trauma can occur as a result of experiencing too much, too soon, too fast
Failing forward is the only way you’ll be able to learn & grow
I hope this gave you insight into how you can always see challenges as an opportunity to grow and evolve. I will see you in the next post!
This is a distillation of Chapter Two: London, in my book Wholeness Within: Insights from One Woman’s Journey of Creating a Life & Career in Alignment.
xo Emily Grace
